300, Remix (Or, How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb)

So I go see this movie, and I'm all like, This Is Sparta! and shit, I'm excited, you can see it in my face, I got the nerd heebie-jeebies goin' down, I'm in my geeky groove, I'm gettin my freaky geeky on.

But I watch the movie, and It's all like, Man, we be the shits! check out my abs! we beat up boys for fun! check this shit out! And I start to worry, man, about why this movie is actin' so macho, like it's got somethin to prove. Then they get all like, Dramatic Pause! and not like normal dramatic pause for effect, like, fuckin', "Where are you taking this (Pause) Thing?" but they be throwin' out the pauses like used tampons on bad fourth week, like they got a surplus and they just gotta get rid of 'em at every chance they get.

Then they start rippin on Lord of the Rings, and I'm like, Don't you touch that ring, spartan bastards! The rings be pure, hobbits ain't closeted shit like you be holdin! Fuckin' hunchbacks just about do it all 'cept actually say "we wants it!" and shit.

Then comes the fightin, and it's not like, good fightin, like rings had, but it's all like, we shot eight minutes of dudes fightin, let's slow this shit up! make it last two hours. People like that shit! the matrix? five minutes! we make this shit work! Frank miller be all about the hos, too, any women he got turn out to be sluts of epic size that make this flick look like fuckin napoleon dynamite, i wanna see these bastards turn to each other and be like, who we fightin next, leonidas, and he be all like, anyone i feel like, gosh! then they push some bastard off a cliff.

Then out comes the persian king, or fuckin' Doctor Frank N. Furter Remix, and he's all like, GET ON YOUR KNEES, BITCH! YOU GONNA SUCK MY FREAKY MAN NIPPLES! and leonidas ain't havin' none of that, he's all like, IMA GONNA FIGHT YOUR CANDY ASS, MY ABS ARE ON FIRE! MY ABS ARE ON FIRE! and I'm like, what the fuck?! and they still all like, GET ON YOUR KNEES, YOU MY BITCH! YOU ARE MY BITCH! and leo's still all like I AIN'T GETTIN ON MY KNEES MOTHERFUCKER, YOU BE EATIN MY SPEAR YOU WANNA SUCK SOMETHIN! YOU LIKE THAT! WE GONNA BEAT YOUR ASSES TILL THESE FUCKIN CREDITS BE ROLLIN!



inspired by MC Chirs.